Puzzle Pieces

I've gotten a lot of questions, but I common response to my adjustment back has been, "So how have you changed?" (insert doubtful eyebrows). I realize that most people may not recognize that they are sounding like the doubt what I'm saying because hey- I look the same, right? Ya- wrong. The problem is that I have no clue how to describe it. It pretty similar to trying to describe New Zealand- too many words. And, they end up coming out all jumbled and not making any sense when I try... oober frustrating. Today while talking to a friend I used to drive to Church in Indy I finally got one analogy right- I'm like the puzzle piece that went missing under the couch for a few months, then when someone randomly finds me... I don't fit like I used to. Those months away from all the other pieces let me change in ways that I didn't anticipate, although everyone still expects me to make the picture complete. I know everyone wants me to snap back into life how I used to, but I honestly don't ever want to. Because all those things that changed me are now a part of me... and although I can't always put words together to try and explain them, they are still there. I don't ever want to forget those memories or feelings I had when jumping off a bridge or even saying some things that probably weren't GLC (good life choices). So now I'm here with a different perspective on life, different goals, and a realization that not everything is the pretty picture I thought it was when I left it (Was I just blind to things before I left?). She pointed out that after her Mom studied abroad it took her about two months to get comfortable again. "She said it was much harder coming back- everyone has these expectations of you..." Yep, pretty much. They might not been spoken expectations, but even the comments of "Ew, are you going to eat that? (when making one of my fav NZ foods- Grilled chese with pinapple)" pretty much squash my heart. Because, yes I am- and it sucks that you can't be open enough to try it. I guess I'll have to check in after two months to see how its all going. Maybe then I'll be able to explain things better.

Looking Back

Okay, I’m back in the states. I’ve visited all the places that represent home to me… Germantown, Indy, Theta, Butler, East 91st, and Lafayette… and now I’ve decided that I need to narrow down what all I have taken away from this trip.

So, a) One plane ride changes everything
Ok- I know, it’s obvious. But, I had no idea the impact of one plane ride… the people, the places, and the memories. I guess it’s this realization that you can’t just click you heels together and be back “home”… and if you’ve figured it out, let me know ASAP. I never really got homesick while I was abroad, and I’m not homesick for Auckland now. I’m just… here. Maybe a little deer in the headlights, but here. Auckland isn’t better than any other place in the world, but the fact that it all changed so fast boggles my mind. Normally I hate big changes.. it scares me so bad when people change, but I'll cover that later. Sometimes my mind will just wander and I’ll convince myself that I can wake up in my former room, knock on my wall, and get a knock back from Kaitlyn. Some things I joke about here- no one understands, but also some things I joke about- everyone understands. One plane ride changes everything, but I guess some things have the same base and grow from there. I have a feeling that it will take me a little while to process this whole plane ride thing, but I’m working on it…

b) Do something everyday that scares you
Kim and I both talk heeps about learning this while traveling, and I got a little magnet with that saying to remind myself of it. Because, I think we all need to admit to ourselves that we can say that we “step outside of our comfort zone” or “take chances”, but really? Do we honestly do things that don’t have a backup and that could potentially not have a safety net? For example- ya, I went to Butler.. didn’t know anyone.. joined Theta… didn’t know anyone, but I had always wrote down a pros and cons sheet (or spreadsheet) and dwelled on every aspect… and I always had a safety net. Now, this in no way, shape, or form means you should drove 100mph on your way to work, but maybe say hi to someone that you’re pretty sure thinks they are too cool for you, or my personal favorite- fist pump when its really not appropriate (small, but scary when old people are staring at you). It might not be the best form of advice for you, but it is for me now and when I was abroad. Helen keeps on telling me that "All change is good". So I guess change is was holds me back a little and scares me a lot, but it will never really stop happening because things change everyday and nothing you can do will every stop it-- which is why I try to do something everyday that scares me.

c) I’m not attached to my phone… and you might have to call me twice
Before I left, I was kind of a “sure” person- I did things (aka everthing) because that’s what the good kids were supposed to do. I was always able to be contacted…. Always. I am still available for my friends and family when they need me- but you might have to call me twice, sorry. Right now (and possibly for a little while) I’m living a little less high strung and fast paced, because who told me I had to live like that? People- and I’m not here to follow people. I guess this is a warning that yes, I still do want to talk to you- but maybe in 5 minutes, or even tomorrow.

d) Turn off your lights and use less water- seriously, people
New Zealand wasn’t as rural as some places I have been, but I did get in the habit of turning off lights and using less water. Honestly people, we use sooo much. Some limits are bad- but we did have a limit on internet and electricity, and it wasn’t all that bad. I guess it has been a huge shock to me how much we use/waste. Even leaving things plugged in sometimes waste energy. It was one of the hardest things to see when I came back… I had a little mini panic attack thinking “We are going to have to pay so much this month!” I definitely appreciated the once-in-a-month Youtube splurges more that just being able to sit there for hours and use all the megabites you want. A lot of people commented on my tan when I got back- well, enjoy it, cause that is probably the darkest I will ever get since there was no ozone down there. Yep, the entire world causes people in New Zealand to be subjected to insane amounts of bad sun ray thinggies. I’m such a business major and can’t tell you exactly what the carbon and CFCs are bonding to up there… but I can tell you that I got burnt one day after walking outside for about 20 minutes. I'm not going to get a tattoo of the recycle symbol, but just think a little bit about how long you leave things on.

Hopefully this mess of words and sentence makes a little bit of sense, and if doesn't maybe it will in a while.

As always, miss and love you all!